American author (1842-1914)
Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. It is a faithful man who is willing to be watched by a half-dozen wives.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the jungle, for commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the open.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is why we know so much about the Hereafter and so little about the Heretofore.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent [sic] only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Civilization can not be put into a ship and carried across an ocean.
AMBROSE BIERCE
A Cynic Looks at Life
COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a needless expense.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Civilization does not, I think, make the race any better. It makes men know more: and if knowledge makes them happy it is useful and desirable. The one purpose of every sane human being is to be happy. No one can have any other motive than that. There is no such thing as unselfishness. We perform the most "generous" and "self-sacrificing" acts because we should be unhappy if we did not. We move on lines of least reluctance. Whatever tends to increase the beggarly sum of human happiness is worth having; nothing else has any value.
AMBROSE BIERCE
A Cynic Looks at Life