actress & stand-up comedian (1952- )
I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Chicken Hearts", Roseanne
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, Soaring Solo
You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
ROSEANNE BARR
"Stressed to Kill", Roseanne
Our show was not about who you voted for at all, it's about how you get along with people who don't think like you.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Adweek, May 22, 2018
We gotta wait for your dad to park the car. Then we gotta hear the Epic Saga.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Mall Story", Roseanne
Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Communicable Theater", Roseanne
I've just very grateful for ABC's support for my show. It is a dream come true to have lightning strike twice. You can go home again; it's a wonderful lesson and a wonderful thing.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Adweek, May 22, 2018
Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?
ROSEANNE BARR
"Saturday", Roseanne
It's all about fear. That same fear that gays have about coming out is the fear that women have about being feminists or being pro-women. It's the same fear that Jews have about being too Jewish. And it's the same exact fear that black writers have about being too ethnic.
ROSEANNE BARR
"The Real Roseanne", Vanity Fair, February 15, 1994
I think prostitution should be legal, because the way any society treats prostitutes reflects directly on how it treats the highest, most powerful woman. They treat us like we're all prostitutes--that we can be bought. But you have to be a real strong woman to be a prostitute. You do. And a real intelligent woman. I don't like it when women talk down other women because they're prostitutes. I'm for prostitute rights. It's always been here, and women should be able to control it, and regulate it, and have some f***ing protection.... Prostitution is a business. It's not about wanton women, from medieval times. It's a f***ing way to make money.
ROSEANNE BARR
"The Real Roseanne", Vanity Fair, February 15, 1994
You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
ROSEANNE BARR
"The Pied Piper of Lanford", Roseanne
We can't control everything thing our kids do. Sooner or later they're just gonna do what they're gonna do. They're like people that way.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Bird is the Word", Roseanne
I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Somebody Stole My Gal", Roseanne
It IS my business when you start sneakin' out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leavin' your father for!
ROSEANNE BARR
"Becky's Choice", Roseanne
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
ROSEANNE BARR
Denver Post, 2008
What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."
ROSEANNE BARR
"Terms of Estrangement", Roseanne
Oh, hi. I been married thirteen years, and lemme tell you, it's a thrill to be out of the house. I never get out of the house. I stay home all the time. I never do anything fun 'cause I'm a housewife. I hate the word "housewife." I prefer to be called "domestic goddess."
ROSEANNE BARR
The Tonight Show, 1985
I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.
ROSEANNE BARR
"The Test", Roseanne
Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Stressed to Kill", Roseanne
Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.
ROSEANNE BARR
Larry King Live, Mar. 2, 2006