actress & stand-up comedian (1952- )
What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore", Roseanne
This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
ROSEANNE BARR
The Tonight Show, 1985
The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Esquire, April 25, 2013
I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, 2003
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, Women Know Everything!
Birth control that really works: Every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, Woman to Woman
The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Tolerate Thy Neighbor", Roseanne
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
ROSEANNE BARR
Larry King Live, March 2, 2006
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Health Fair
A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.
ROSEANNE BARR
"Trouble with Rubbles", Roseanne
Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.
ROSEANNE BARR
attributed, "Like a New Job", Roseanne
I've already talked to my spirit animal. He's got nothing else to tell me. I'm 60, I've done it all. I'm totally over it.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Esquire, April 25, 2013
Being nuts is its own reward.
ROSEANNE BARR
Roseanne: My Life as a Woman
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
ROSEANNE BARR
Larry King Live, March 2, 2006
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
ROSEANNE BARR
London Independent, Feb. 9, 2006
It was very trippy to get a phone call that said, "Hold please for the president of the United States." He congratulated all of us and he was very impressed with the ratings. He's very into ratings. He was very nice and we talked about quite a few things. I have had political people call me before, but never the president of the United States.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Adweek, May 22, 2018
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.
ROSEANNE BARR
Larry King Live, Mar. 2, 2006
In this country, the people who affect things the most—how the rest of us think and feel—are comics. It's true. Because a comic needs to understand the big picture in order to fracture it and present it to people so they can see it more clearly. Comedy is the only hope for humanity.
ROSEANNE BARR
interview, Esquire, April 25, 2013
The only reason I didn't kill my parents is because I did not want to spend my life in prison.
ROSEANNE BARR
"The Real Roseanne", Vanity Fair, February 15, 1994