The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
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Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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Don't worry about people who don't worry about you.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.
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Never try to destroy someone else's life with a lie when yours can be destroyed with the truth.
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Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
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I'm not addicted to reading. I can quit as soon as I finish the next chapter.
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During sex it's perfectly fine to say "YEAH", "YES", and "OH YES", but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "YEP"?
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A teenager is someone who is well prepared for a zombie attack but not ready for tomorrow's math test.
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Good girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go to Vegas.
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Adventures are for the adventurous.
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Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
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Tact carries a bunch of curiously-fashioned keys, that open all kinds of doors.
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The British Harbinger, April 1, 1870
Sincerity is not to say everything you think but to mean everything you say.
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