American talk show host (1947- )
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Sep. 8, 2011
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, January 14, 2015
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, Mar. 20, 2012
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix-up and he was greeted by seventy-two vegans.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Biteback Dictionary of Humorous Political Quotations
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
DAVID LETTERMAN
The Late Show with David Letterman
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, October 17, 2014
Harrison Ford proposed to Calista Flockhart and then slipped the ring around her waist.
DAVID LETTERMAN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Did you hear about the earthquake in California?... A 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, August 25, 2014
In London you can buy a hamburger for $1,700. Now, wait a minute, before you start bellyaching, yes, it comes with fries. It's $1,700. It's called the McSucker.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Late Show with David Letterman, October 10, 2014
Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.
DAVID LETTERMAN
on the National Security Agency's eavesdropping program, The Late Show with David Letterman, January 25, 2006