HUMOROUS QUOTES II
funny quotes & quotations
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A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.
JIMMY FALLON
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The Tonight Show, January 25, 2018
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Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50.
ANDREW DICE CLAY
stand-up routine
Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It's pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 12, 2018
When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.
SCOTT ADAMS
Dogbert
It's been "one of those days" for like 3 years now.
ANONYMOUS
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
BILLY CONNOLLY
"These Are the 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time", Reader's Digest
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
CHRIS ROCK
stand-up routine
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
DEMETRI MARTIN
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100.
WOODY ALLEN
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
EUGENE IONESCO
Jack
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
YOGI BERRA
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
ANONYMOUS
Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 8, 2018
Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.
ANONYMOUS
If I won the award for laziness, I'd send somebody to pick it up for me.
ANONYMOUS
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
YOGI BERRA
Golf ... combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
P.J. O'ROURKE
Modern Manners
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I am not afraid of no leaves.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
ANONYMOUS