American actor & stand-up comedian (1968- )
Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.'
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you. You don't need to go out of your way to sabotage yourself or get a friggin' drug habit or date a psycho.
BILL BURR
"Catching Up with Bill Burr", Paste Magazine, April 12, 2013
Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice. You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
I thought I became a comedian because I loved comedy and I liked making people laugh. But I became a comedian because by the time I was 23, I was so walled-off and f*cked-up that doing stand-up was the easiest way to go into a room full of strangers and make them like me so that no one would hurt me. I was onstage with the mindset of a 6-year-old from 23 to about 37.
BILL BURR
Hollywood Reporter, April 28, 2022
Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs?
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
Sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon.
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
If I think of something's funny, I just write the subject down or I'll maybe write three words down and maybe a line, but I really believe in writing on stage. I think that's how you do it. It'd be like if you broke your arm and you went to a bar and you got to tell your friends how it happened, you wouldn't write it down and rehearse it, you'd just tell it. Then you'd tell it at work and you'd tell it at a family reunion, you get the flow of the story down if you're telling it in a funny way. Eventually what ends up happening is if enough people ask you how you broke your arm, you get sick of it and this big long story gets shorter and shorter and shorter and you're just sick of telling it. And that's the journey of the joke--where it's something that's new and exciting and it's fresh and then you get sick of it. And when you get sick of it, that's the time to burn it--do it on TV somewhere. So that's my approach.
BILL BURR
"Catching Up with Bill Burr", Paste Magazine, April 12, 2013
Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
As someone who considers himself liberal, it's disappointing to see the left become how the right used to be when they went after the Dixie Chicks after they criticized George W. Bush. There's not a lot of people like that -- most are just trying not to get in trouble -- but there's this small collection of lunatics -- either on the right or the left, at any given moment -- that cause hysteria. And now there's so many media outlets that want eyeballs, they make money off advertising, that they give attention to these crazy fringe people.
BILL BURR
Hollywood Reporter, April 28, 2022
You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know -- the first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, "You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody."
BILL BURR
stand-up routine
You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober.
BILL BURR
stand-up routine